Trauma Reinforcement in Friendships

Hey, all, missed me? (I sound so much like the narrator from gossip girl series), a heavy topic isn’t it?… but that’s how heavy life becomes i guess when you hit mid twenties (drum roll…..quarter life crisis). I only write when I’m ready to process things and the time has now come….so join me on this long ride (and hit a clap if it’s relatable — i sooo need that validation you see😂)

As the quote goes, “You are the average of the 5 people you surround with”, …we are what we are based on whoever we meet in our life throughout and who have a huge impact on our life. Impact can be of different dimensions…but let’s explore the impact of trauma here. I’m no mental health expert here, so just sharing my thoughts.

Lets start with childhood trauma. Most of the time it’s not something you even realise until your teens or twenties. It’s not something you can’t control sometimes too…maybe your family, maybe the people around you at that age… All that behaviours people around you exhibit start to seem normal to you, coz that’s the only thing you know at that tiny age… all those behaviours seem normal to you and you think all those are right and you just mirror them.

Cut to your college right, for the first time you aren’t in your old environment and you have a choice here to make friends. We frankly don’t even know why we just make friendship with someone right…we all give superficial reasons like same class, same interests…but all those friendships aren’t actually deep you know?…they are your friends alright….but we all have different definitions of friendships for ourselves…some call best friends and normal friends, some might just call everyone friends but rely only on one…the definition is different for everyone…but you know what I mean here.

Those deep friendships that we make?, we might give stupid reasons to it….but the reason it might have survived all those harsh fights, all those impossible distances and situations?… no one can give a word to it…but it’s just magical… You start to trust them in a way u didn’t before, you start to believe them, rely on them, somehow your heart just says they are worthy of your chance….in short they are sorta chosen family or close people in your life….

When these friends become a habit in your life, your life truly shifts you know….it’s this unconditional support you get… and it’s not even like they are helping you to actually get the work done…it’s just their existence in you life that gives you the power to achieve things on your own…and I think that’s the beauty of this.

But what happens when such a beautiful bond breaks one day?, when that habit breaks one day?…. I’m not talking about toxic people here…coz it’s easier to forget, forgive and move on when you can on a level hate that person….but what about the people you can’t hate?, who were your true best friends?

I think this is exactly where trauma reinforcement comes in for friendships. To now elaborate, what i said was magical in deep friendships…I think on some level you grow deeper coz you think they understand your trauma and dark side…. Read it again, the keyword is “you think they understand”. You think whatever your definition of friendship is, it will be the same for them…. You think just coz you are bearing their trauma, supporting them for years, they will do the same for you too when time comes.

I’ve been that person you know… I’ve been that person who has always been there for people…but relied on almost zero. I have had very few friends in my life whom I’ve considered deep friends (good luck guessing which category u fall in😂). And if you are anything like me, I’ve had these crazy rules about such friendships…..that friendships are for life, you can’t leave such people how much ever they push you, how much ever they isolate themselves, and just be there for them…. Coz on a lot of levels, i could feel their years of trauma, years of damage they had that others would have done…..and i knew in such times all you need is someone to prove you wrong this time and stay….just stay for them to heal….

Maybe i was a fool to have believed people will understand what I’m doing for them you know… I still remember staying through all the trauma of these friendships… the blockings, the pushing away….the ignoring…the everything….coz I didn’t want to be another person in their list to have reinforced their trauma and make them lose their trust on people.

Maybe in all this process of making other’s lives better, i somehow screwed up my life…. I didn’t realise, while I was making sure I didn’t reinforce anyone else’s trauma…. everyone else just reinforced my trauma… When I stayed through years of them outlashing, ignoring, taking for granted, disrespecting and all that…all i believed was one day they would definitely realise and be there for me when time comes. But I can now accept I was so wrong…

The biggest mistake i did was being the martyr….being that person who took on their trauma and hurt so that I didn’t reinforce it….didn’t stand up for myself when they would disrespect me, coz I wouldn’t take it personally…i would understand it’s their trauma speaking and they need time to heal….i waited that one day, they will do the same when i burden them with my trauma. But it’s just so funny… after years of helping them heal their trauma, being for them always…and when you realise you need help and rely on them and start expressing your trauma, dark side, lash out on them just to let go of all the hurt inside you…..do you know what happens? (I’ll tell u coz this has happened to me several times)… they stand up for themselves. A minor outlash from my side, the moment I decide to put myself first after years, the moment I decide to burden them with my trauma for the first time… they stand up for themselves and leave immediately.

I’m not saying it’s bad…it’s good that they are standing up for themselves you know…. But it hurts as ultimately my childhood trauma is reinforced….my trauma that if I stand up for myself, people leave me…if i burden people with my problems, they leave me….if i speak out…they leave me…. And that people will only stay if I can handle their burden. It hurts to see that people can’t recognise value of people like me in their lives…it hurts to see people like me are getting reinforced on our trauma again and again (this is the most I’s I’ve ever used in a para😂..maybe that’s my problem?)

And when repeatedly your traumas are reinforced, you question everything….and that’s the choice I have before me now. Should I just become like the other people?, become like a rock, and not feel for others, just focus on myself , learn to stand up for myself and just not be there for people after a limit??…….. or, keep going through this coz by being there for people despite the hurt they cause me, atleast makes the world one more person who is breaking the trauma cycle.

This question has eaten me up so much….We have so many of these generational trauma cycles, friendship trauma cycles… it’s ultimately not the person’s fault….that friend you think is so cold?, it’s never their fault…someone else made them that way…but maybe if you give them good warmth, a blanket, they will heal…. Yes, they might never even recognise the fact that you have given them the blanket, they might never ever even offer you the blanket…and it will hurt more to see that they will offer someone else the same blanket with the warmth and affection you craved from them as a friend…… but that’s okay….that’s a pain I have lived my whole life and it’s a choice I take in my life….coz now there is one less person who is cold….there is one more person who is breaking the cycle for someone else….and that’s more valuable than our own hurt…who knows…maybe I’ll find a friend who will heal my trauma… (applications open😂😂)

I’m not a preacher…but if you are like me, evaluate what you want truly….if you expect people will realise when u stay for years bearing their trauma…harsh truth is they won’t…they never will….if they did, they never would have put u through it for years….It’s your choice to decide if you want to give up on the friendship and stand up for yourself….or keep going through it…. People around you will give you n suggestions….but you will know in your heart when it’s time to truly give up.

If you belong to the other category….realise before you truly lose that best friend…it’s very rare to find people who won’t reinforce your trauma… and if not anything…atleast don’t try to reinforce their trauma. Just because the other person is staying, bearing your trauma and not standing up for themselves doesn’t mean they are weak….it’s a choice they are taking to put you first in their friendship. And for once, learn to put them first in friendship…coz friendship is a beautiful relation unlike family or relationships… and the truest of friendships are never meant to be broken no matter what…no matter what…